Overcoming Depression (A true life story)

Take my life (a story on depression and pressing on)

It was a beautiful day, it was not like any other day, I had just received the good news. My results were out, I was sure I would make all my papers…… why won’t I?
After reading all day and burning the midnight candle, praying before and after every exam,  there was nothing that could hold me back from making my papers in the external exam. I was the best in my school even though I was from a ‘not rich’ home, I got a scholarship to Trinity high and that was where I started and finished my primary and secondary education.

On getting  to school, I  noticed that everyone was looking at me in a way that was weird. My biology teacher hugged me when she saw me, she told me life happened sometimes. I didn’t understand but she was not ready to explain to me. I went to the principal's office and after knocking, she asked me to enter. She asked me to sit down and I sat down beaming with smiles. “Jane Dear, things happen in life for a reason. It is not a reason to give up or throw in the towel……..” as she continued talking, I could not imagine what she meant, I feared of thinking the worst. My legs started shaking and I could feel my body vibrating, “ma….what’s going on?” I asked her blinking my eyes as fast as possible, “its about your result” she said and looked into my eyes, her look told me everything I needed to know, “which sub…ject?” I managed to ask, “are you okay?” she asked me, I put up a smile on my face, it was fake and I knew it but I needed to pretend I was okay, “yes ma, can I see the result please?” I asked comporting myself even though I was shattered within, she opened a folder and brought out a paper. She studied me with her eyes then gave me the paper, I didn’t check my result first, I checked the result of my friends. All my friends had distinction in most of their subjects, the ones they didn’t have a B or an A, they had first credit in it. I paused for a while before looking at mine then I looked at mine, I saw a D in mathematics and I saw a list of A in the other subjects, I had just one D and it was all I needed to How worthless the result  was. The principal came to my side, she sat beside me and consoled me but all the words in the world were not enough.
I stood up and walked out of her office, the more my teachers consoled me, the more the pain in my heart. Some asked me what happened in the exam but I just nodded. I wanted to leave the school premises so badly but none of them seemed to notice. After they tried to make me happy in their own way, they allowed me to leave. I walked home, I would have taken a bike or bus home on a normal day but this was an abnormal day. I got home feeling so tired, there was no one at home, I went to the backyard and saw a cutlass and a hoe. A lot of thoughts came to my mind but only one seemed to make sense to me. I grabbed the cutlass and started cutting the grass around the compound, I was cutting the grasses and I was sweating profusely. I did the whole work myself and sat down, suddenly the gate opened and I knew my mum was home. I sat down where I was not having the strength to stand up, I could hear the voice of my junior brother. My mum shouted my name a lot of times but I could not answer, she came to the backyard and saw me sitting, “what did you do?” she asked me looking at the work I had just done, “i…. i…..i…” I could not catch my breath. “Your teacher called me” she said, I looked at her, “she said you failed mathematics” she said with a louder tone, “why did you fail mathematics Jane….infact how did you fail mathematics….” She probed like I had the answers, I just looked at her, “I am talking to you Jane” she said, “your father would not be happy about this” she said as tears prickled down her cheeks, I was surprised she was the one crying instead of me. I gathered all the strength in me and stood up from where I sat, I looked at her one last time and left for the house.
Dinner was the worst of its kind, I could not taste the meal and mum made it a time to talk about my result. My father lectured me on how he made all his papers in his time and how brilliant he was in his days. Mummy compared me to her friend’s daughter that made her papers. I could not leave the dining table but I felt trapped in it.

After dinner I went to the bathroom because that was the only secluded place in the house, I shared a room with my junior brother so I could not stay alone. Nobody would go to the bathroom at night, I sat down on the seat of the water closet and stayed there with my eyes opened. I was there for hours thinking of what my parents said on that day, thinking of what could have been and how life would have been different if I had gotten a C in mathematics. I tried to think of the day we wrote mathematics exam, it was a great day, I had answered more than the required questions and I was sure my answers were right. What went wrong was something I could not fathom. I checked my wrist watch and it was past 2, I went to my room and laid there, “how do you feel Jane?” Junior asked and for the first time today, I felt like someone really cared about me, I remained mute as tears welled up in my eyes, “Jane…” he stood up from his bed and held my hands, “I feel for you Jane, I can not imagine how you must feel right now” he said, I broke into tears at that moment. He put his hands round me, “Junior….. its like life is over” I said as I cried, “no sis, it is for the best”.
The next day was hell, the day after then the day after, my friends visited almost every time to check on me. I got weary of their visits and I wanted to just hide in my shell. I started feigning sleep and giving excuses whenever they were around. It was better when there was no one at home, I loved thinking and talking to myself. My parents cared less about me but they cared more about the money they were going to spend if I had a retake. The student with the best result was going to be taken abroad to further his or her study, everyone had thought I would be the one but I wasn’t. the more I thought of the high hopes people had for me and how I had dashed my hopes, the more I felt like dying.

It went on for weeks then one morning mum called me into her room and she told me to go and thank my father for dropping a huge amount of money for my retake. She said I would go back to ss3 to start again in the new term in my former school so that I could be more serious, I wanted to talk but I couldn’t. the strength in me was gone and the next thing I knew everything went blank.

I woke up in the hospital and I was scared, a nurse entered and she calmed me down, “you were rushed here yesterday…. How are you feeling?” she asked, I didn’t answer her, I checked the clock in the room I was, “it is past 11 in the morning, I have been sleeping since yesterday”, “actually it is past 11 in the night… you have been unconscious for more than 36 hours… let me call the doctor” she said and left me puzzled.
After waiting for almost an hour without knowing what was going on, my mother and father entered the ward with a young man, the doctor, I presumed. My mum wore a pitiful look while the look on my dad’s face was not something I could discern. “how are you my baby?” she asked, the last time she called me a baby….. I could not remember, something was obviously going on. “I'm  fine” I replied so quickly, I felt bad after replying her without any form of emotions, “I am Doctor Maxwell and I am your personal doctor”, “how did I get here mum?” I asked ignoring the doctor, “you fainted, don’t you remember” she asked looking into my eyes, I nodded in the negative. “Jane, how are you doing today?” Doctor Maxwell asked, “I don’t know, I just want to leave this hospital” I said in a hurry, “Jane…. The doctor is trying to take care of you” my dad said, like he cares about me, I thought within me. The doctor looked at my parents, “can you excuse us for a while?” he told them, my dad left immediately while my mum left reluctantly, “its just the two of us Jane, I want to know you” he said sitting on the chair beside my bed, “know me?”, “yes, is there anything wrong with that?” he asked me, “no…. I am just….”, “surprised?”, ‘yes” I looked at him, “your mum told me you passed 8 subjects in the just concluded Senior secondary certificate examination”, “I failed” I said sadly, “I have your result with me, you did not just pass 1”, “that 1 is mathematics”, “so?.......is it worth throwing your life away for?”, “yes, I failed… I lost everything because of that failure”, “after you saw your result, how did you feel?” he asked, “like a failure” I said, “okay…. Do you know that it is possible for you to write another exam and pass your exams in flying colours?” he asked but I remained silent, “I wrote my own exam thrice before I was able to make all my papers. I had f9 in 3 subjects at my first sitting”, I was shocked, “what!” I shouted, he broke into laughter, “the second was better, I had just one but it was in English language”, “are you kidding me… what did your parents say?” I asked, “when my dad saw my first result, he gave me a pat and said son, you have to do better in the next one if you are going to study medicine”, I became sad, “I would love to meet your dad” I said, “maybe I would set up a meeting with him” he said, “my parents treated me like I was the worst child, they cared less about me because I failed. I spent nights in my bathroom but they didn’t notice, my friends have tried to make things better but it has only made things worse.” I wiped the tears in my eyes, “its okay to cry Jane, crying does not mean weakness” he said and I broke into tears, “I wished everything was different” I said, “different in what way?”, “the exam and all”, “you put in your best, didn’t you?”, “I did but I would have done more”, “you didn’t pass an exam does not mean you are a failure. Infact you are only a failure when you give up…… the great men today failed at a point in their lives but they didn’t give up so why do you want to give up Jane?”, I cried out in pain as I held my chest, “I didn’t give up…..”, “yes you did and you have to stand up for yourself and make yourself proud”, ‘everyone had high expectations” I said, “so what? Why not beat their expectations instead of trying to live up to it”, I remained quiet as he spoke to me and for once in my life, I didn’t feel like dying. I felt like proving myself, the world has not heard of me, I was the manifestation the world waited for. The part that got me so bad was when he said even if the whole world considered me a failure, God knows I am a success because he has and will never create a failure. He quoted a part of the scripture for me and that is one part I would always hold on to.
 For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the daughters  of God.

Are you feeling down?
Do you feel like throwing in the towel?
Do you feel like life is offering you thorns instead of rose?
Do you want to end it all?
I've been there but I am standing strong and many people have been faced with difficult situations…..but they are still standing.

My advice to you is don’t you ever give up.
God has and will never create a failure.


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